Quite a fucking shit, isn’t it?

He obliterated my heart into a million tiny little pieces, sharp as fuck so every time I had to pick them all up I ended up cutting my hands, bleeding in my attempt to reconstruct my own self. Desperately holding my guts together while the void inside of me was beginning to grow more and more.

Oh, what an incredibly hard job it is trying to express and materialize the huge bunch of thoughts and words that come and go through my mind. Nevertheless, here I am, trying my best. Writing out my emotions once again, hoping that this could help me feel better.

Why am I writing in English? Don’t know. Don’t care. Maybe just for pride, to show off that one can actually be poetical without looking absolutely ridiculous. Or maybe because it is a little less embarrassing to express my soul’s vulnerability this way.

“The world was never able to see the best of us. Everything we could’ve been. All the great things we were meant to accomplish” I used to say.

But that’s not a current thought I preserve right now. In fact, I am really sure that I actually saw the best of him. Such was the case that I even developed a delusion in which I blinded myself from seeing the reality. Losing the ability to realize that he wasn’t as good as I wanted to pretend he was.

You were an absolute mess. But you were the mess I wanted. I swear, I truly felt so attracted to this man. So amazed by everything I saw in him. I was actually just beginning to fall in love with him at the exact same time he took the decision to not let me be a part of his life anymore.

And I still get so many flashbacks that haven’t left me alone. Our first kiss. His birthday. The concert. Valentine’s Day. FUCK!!! I still remember it all too fucking well.

It’s super crazy to realize how I ignored so many red flags and that I immediately fell for him after the first insignificant act of interest I received from him; which actually was the bare minimum I should expect from someone. But that’s me.

I always give so much to someone without even expecting to receive it back.

He knows that. I know it. The universe knows that there was no lack of effort on my part for this relationship to work. I did no other thing but to deeply commit myself to him. To this love I desired with all my soul. So, if he ever says otherwise, he’s lying shamelessly. Because he’s perfectly conscious that I was way more than he deserved.

No hard feelings though. I thank him for everything we were able to experience together, and for all the moments we shared which were priceless for me. I do think that I never deserved the shit he put me through, product of his vast immatureness and insensitivity.

But it is what it is. I’d never blame shitty people for being the way they are.

-Edu Cedeño